Beginnings…

This is actually my third or even fourth attempt of writing a blog – and they all failed for some reason. Maybe because I’m not systematic by nature. But well, everyone has to have some flaws, right? Also, the blogs were all in Polish, so now I’ve decided to give it a try in English. First of all, because I miss this language. I miss writing in it, speaking in it, listening to it, talking in English. I know that I make mistakes, I know there are words that I don’t understand, I know I have an accent, and I know I will never be as fluent as a native is. Nonetheless, I feel like English is in my blood, in my bones, or at least – in my soul. I have to use it, it’s a desire deep down that I can’t get rid of, and sometimes it feels almost like the need to breathe. That being said, I do admit I feel a little weird sometimes when speaking English – despite my Supervisor saying that she is grateful that I’m the first contact for all our calls (and they are all in English), because she knows they will be addressed professionally when I answer them. So, maybe, just maybe, I don’t sound so bad or foreign or painfully awkward as I feel. But writing – this is my thing, and while I’m doing it, I don’t feel awkward, I feel – myself. I have loved writing since I was around 10 years old, but I must admit nowadays I begin to feel better writing in English than in my native language. It gets frustrating sometimes, though, when I’m in the middle of a sentence and suddenly I have to look for a word. It gets painfully scary when I think some native speaker will read this and think “OMG, what is she talking about, that sounds so unnatural. Nobody talks like that.” Mind you, NO-ONE has ever said to me I sound unnatural, but the fear remains. I have a very vulnerable and very obsessive attitude towards English. I get over-excited and ridiculously proud when people – native English speakers that is – tell me on the street that “My English is immaculate” – even when I know it’s not. I get the same feeling when my friends ask me to check something they write in this language for mistakes, be their spelling, grammatical or stylistic. I also get terrified when they do that. I’m not an expert. I make spelling mistakes – thank God for spelling check in Word – I tend to forget things or am not certain of them and I’m not good at slang. I don’t know it, I don’t use it. I’m scared that my friends and family will see me as a faux with this English obsession and I will become “the girl who loves English, but English doesn’t love her back.” It hasn’t happened, though – and they keep on asking me, God bless them.
Of course I do use English at my work, but it’s really about the same things all the time. Like – when are you paying this invoice? Or – I’ve received a payment and I’d like to know what you’re paying. Plus a few more topic – all connected with invoices and payments – and that’s basically it. I miss using English for more than that.
For now I can only say there will be just two rules to this blog – first is, I will write in English, secondly – I will write about books. Not only about them, but mostly. I must admit I don’t like writing reviews. I mean I liked a book, but some other person may not. If I write a review, I feel sometimes as I’m telling people what to think about it. I know it’s irrational, but I can’t help it. Plus, it’s hard sometimes to explain why I liked a book or not. Like with the colors, I like red and blue, others might like green and yellow, and so on. However, I am supposed to be a writer, so I have to overcome this and be able to write anything – even reviews. I tried to deny that writing obsession, and to just focus on working as an accountant; and I tried to stop caring about all that writing and artistic crap – but I can’t. I’m just not made up for conformist life of working in corporation, having kids and talking either about celebrities or children or marriages and how women are the dominant in every working marriage; or cosmetics or leather shoes or purses, etc. But – this is also a separate topic. So, to satisfy my need for writing in English and to fight my reluctance towards writing reviews, I have decided to start this thing – and let’s hope I’ll stick to it this time!

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2 thoughts on “Beginnings…

  1. HI, hope you succeed this time, and yes by how you write it does sound like your English is immaculate!. Just one thing though, a few more, shorter paragraphs would be better for the reader…. just a thought.

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